The 10 Essentials

of Loving Correction

   —Larry Tomczak

 

Raising children is a tremendous challenge but filled with rewards unspeakable. Yet, everything must begin by doing things God’s way on a strong foundation of love.

Loving stands by itself. Without it, there is no basis to go further. Love without correction is selfish indulgence. Correction without love is sterile indoctrination. One is foundational for the other.

In order to have a healthy, well-balanced child, the key is to make sure the child feels loved. Dr. Ross Campbell, author of How to Really Love Your Child, expressed this thought: “Make sure you always keep your child's emotional tank full!”

Years ago, there was a study conducted to find out what happens to children living in an absence of love. Children who were confined to two different institutions were studied simultaneously. Both institutions were equivalent in all but one area: the amount of loving affec­tion provided.

In one institution, labeled "Nursery," children were fondled, touched, picked up, spoken to, and so forth. After two years, the children proved absolutely normal in development, were healthy, and none died. In the other institution, called "Foundling Home," the infants were raised by a few nursing personnel so overworked that one nurse cared for up to twelve children. There was little demonstration of love. After only two years, the emotion­ally starved children were not able to speak, walk, or feed themselves. During a period of five years, there was a 37 percent mortality rate!

"Have you hugged your kid today?" is not just a cute cliché. It can be a matter of life and death.

KEEPING THEIR TANKS FULL

 

If you have not committed yourself to keeping your child's emotional tank full, the implementation of the basic principles in this booklet will bring inevitable failure. You may have a prim and proper, well-behaved child in the early years, but you are courting disaster in the later years.

In order for a child to respond well to correction, we must give him what he needs. He can learn well only if he is happy, feels secure, and knows he is loved unconditionally. Even though we make a lot of mistakes as par­ents, if love prevails, it makes up for them. "... love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).      

A bumper sticker states: love is a verb. In other words, love must be expressed in practical ways. It's not enough simply to have warm feelings to­ward children; parents must care enough to sacrifice whatever is needed for their best interest.

 

“... children ought not to lay up for their parents, but parents for their children. I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls. If I love you the more, am I to be loved the less?”

2 Corinthians 12:14, 15

 

Here Paul is not referring to financial investments. He's referring to parents laying down their lives and making personal investments of love in their children.

How can we translate our feelings of love into action and make sure our children feel loved? First of all, how are you presently viewing your children? Granted, chil­dren can get on one's nerves at times, and that's under­standable. (Someone has defined patience as the art of idling your motor when you feel like stripping your gears!) Nevertheless, do you see them in a positive or in a negative light?

I still recall, when our oldest son was in his first month, how he seemed to have an uncanny, internal device which awak­ened him from his day of sleep precisely when we were retiring. He then proceeded to exercise his lungs for the next three or four hours straight, night after night after night. I remember standing at our front window—having tried every sleep-inducing technique I knew—thinking, Lord, should I just throw him out? Now, maybe you've never felt like that, but perhaps this will enable you to better understand those who have!

Seriously, what is your gut-level feeling toward your children? Do you see them as a bother? An infringement on your rights? An interruption in your life-style? A hin­drance to the pursuit of your goals in life? An "accident"? Another tax deduction? Even if you don't verbalize it to them, they're perceptive enough to pick up your spirit. This will color your relationship with them.

Howard G. Hendricks, a speaker in Family Life conferences and author of numerous books, asks: "Do you realize children are given not just for what you do for them, but for what they can do for you?"

 

HOW TO VIEW YOUR CHILD

 

Psalm 127 says that children should be viewed in three ways:

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior. So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

                Verses 3-5, (italics added)

1. Children are a gift. The Hebrew means "assignment." Do you see your children as a divine assignment and yourself as the responsible steward? You have the glorious opportunity of shaping the destiny of another human being. What a high calling in God!

2.      Children are a reward. Imagine, the Grand Architect of the entire universe loves you so much as to make you a co-laborer with Him in the creation of life itself.

3.      Children are like arrows. Why arrows? Because in order to be effective they have to be pointed in a certain direction. An arrow shot into the air at random is useless. Only as it flies toward its target does it serve a purpose. As parents, we have the marvelous opportunity of uncovering our children's unique gifts and calling, and then encouraging them into their divine placement in life.

A glass filled halfway with water can be viewed as half-empty or half-full. A pessimist views a difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist views an opportunity in every difficulty.

How are you viewing your children? Are they your de­light? "The Lord reproves him whom He loves, as a father the son in whom he delights" (Proverbs 3:12).

If you sense rejection in your heart toward your child, confess your attitude to the Lord and then ask for the grace you need to begin learning to like your child. Titus 2:3, 4 says that older women are to "train the young women to love [like is the literal Greek] their ... chil­dren" (my italics). It's a learning process. Begin to invest yourself and your time more in the child and you'll evi­dence a supernatural transformation. Jesus said, "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matthew 6:21).

With a proper perspective on our children, we can ex­amine some practical ways to make sure they feel loved and keep their emotional tank full.

In Matthew 18 is an account of a discussion Jesus had with the disciples on the subject of children. They asked Him:

"Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" And             calling to Him a child, He put him in the midst of them, and said,   "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and be­come like children,     you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles          himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Verses 1-4

 

In other words, to be a part of the Kingdom of God, one must turn from his pride and exercise childlike faith in the Lord. This is "greatness" in the eyes of God. A sec­ondary message is also conveyed: Don't take yourself too seriously! Stay childlike. Guard against sophistication which can suffocate your celebration of life.

In expressing love to our children, it's vital that we stay childlike and not take ourselves too seriously. (I believe one reason God gives us these "half-size gurus of play," as I have seen them referred to, is to remind us of this fact.) "A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones" (Proverbs 17:22).

It's "good medicine" for us as a family when our child is being potty trained and every deposit is acclaimed by Mommy and Daddy hopping around the room, whistling, clapping, and cheering. As the child proudly beams, he or she looks as if he just swallowed sunshine.

We need it as a family when our child dives under Mommy and Daddy's bedcovers, wriggling through our legs like a snake, while another bounces atop us like a frog.

A child feels loved when Mommy and Daddy can re­discover play, get down on his level, and act crazy once again. Dad and Mom may be firm, but they're also a lot of fun.

Jesus went on to say:

"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who be­lieve in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matthew 18:5, 6).

When you wrestle with your child down on the floor ... when you tickle your child till her giggles fill the house ... when you answer her seventy-fifth question of the day ... when you leave "World News Tonight" to go fix his truck—to whom are you ministering, according to our Lord? Jesus Himself said, "to Me" (Matthew 25:40).

And what does it mean to receive a child? The Greek word means "to accept" or "to take to oneself." How, then, can you receive a child and thereby make sure he feels loved? Here are seven practical suggestions:

 

7 ways to love your child

1. Make sure you see your children as God sees them—as a "gift," a "reward," and as "arrows"—not as an inter­ruption, accident, or tax break (Psalms 127:3, 4).

2.      Cultivate a childlike attitude. Don't take yourself too seriously.  Rediscover play.  Walk barefoot together across the wet grass. Ride a merry-go-round. Act out a story instead of merely reading it (Matthew 18:1-4).

  3.  Give your children direct eye contact. Jesus said that "the eye is the lamp of the body..." (Matthew 6:22). He calls us "the apple of His eye" (Deuteronomy 32:10). The Lord said, "... I will counsel you with my eye upon you" (Psalms 32:8). A child has a critical need for fo­cused attention which enables him to feel respected, im­portant, and loved. "Daddy (or Mommy) really cares about me ... what I say ... what I do."

Have you ever sat in a restaurant and watched a family relating? or should I say "not relating"? How often have you observed little children bobbing in their seats while sharing some exciting news while Dad, across the table, has his eyes glued to last night's box scores or is studying the assorted ways his french fries are arranged on the plate?

Children need to know we care. Sacrificing our present activity for a minute to practically demonstrate this will insure that our children feel loved. I believe "Love that is heard but not observed is absurd!"

4. Physically express your love. Regular hugging, kissing, sitting close together, tousling hair, tickling, rubbing backs (my son's favorite), putting an arm on the shoul­der, a playful romp (not a slugfest)—all are absolutely essential to assure a child's emotional security and to nurture his self-esteem. They communicate this thought: "I like you and enjoy being with you." These are the building blocks of a strong, healthy love bond.

Howard Hendricks, a man of God I deeply respect, said that when his children were grown, he asked them what they remembered best from their childhood. He was somewhat surprised at their warmest memory, for they all said the same thing—when Dad would get down on the floor and wrestle with them!

Also, make it a point to lavish your children with daily encouragement. "Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called Today..." (Hebrews 3:13). Encourage them for tasks and meals completed; en­courage them aloud before your friends (let them over­hear you telling people on the phone how great they are); encourage them any and every chance you get!

5. Train yourself to be a good listener. Listening requires discipline, especially with children who can tell you the same Winnie the Pooh story a hundred times. It involves the eyes, ears, mind, and heart. It means kneeling at times so as to be on their level and to communicate eye to eye. It's important that as parents we respond to our child's feelings—"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15)—and not regu­larly interrupt them or cut them off. Such statements as "Not now, I'm busy" or "Tell me later" say to a child: / guess I'm not as important to Mommy and Daddy as other things are.

The moments just prior to saying good-night are usually an excellent time to hear a child's heart. For some strange reason, this seems to be the time when many children love to open up!         

 

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

 

      Deuteronomy 6:4-7, (italics added)

 

6. Spend quality time together. There simply is no substi­tute for regular, consistent time spent together doing or­dinary things (eating, working, walking, praying, driv­ing, swimming, shopping) or "making memories" by doing extraordinary things (visits to a zoo, pet shop, amusement park, or hospital; playing table games, at­tending a sandlot softball game; picnicking, camping, biking, hiking, building a model plane; sewing a doll's outfit; sight-seeing, visiting museums, visiting your nearby fire station, and taking them for a tour of where Dad works).

A special "date" with each child on a regular basis— such as going to "Mickey D's" restaurant (McDonald's) or simply going for a walk together—is another idea.

Susanna Wesley had more than twenty children, yet she spent one hour with each child every week—listening, en­couraging, and monitoring their spiritual progress. From these Wesley children emerged two men of God, John and Charles, who established the Methodist Church and shook two continents for the Lord.

Spending quality time with our children regularly must be a top priority. We can't expect the church to train them, for values are not so much taught as they are caught. Also, we can't cop out with a cliché like "It's not the quantity of time but the quality that counts," for the fact is that it's both. We can't rationalize by saying, "I'm too busy now, but I soon hope to be over the hump," for this is an illusion. Habit patterns are setting in, and deep down inside we know it.

The Bible prophesies that the last days will be charac­terized by people "running to and fro" (see Daniel 12:4) and Satan attempting to "wear out the saints" (Daniel 7:25). With today's frenzied pace and fatiguing pressures, unless there burns in our hearts a deep biblical conviction concerning the priority of the family, we'll simply be se­duced by the spirit of this age and one day awaken to regret it.

Dr. James Dobson, a well-known author, lecturer and leader of the ministry called “Focus on the Family”, recently cited a Cornell University study showing that middle-class fathers of preschool children spend, on the average, 37.7 seconds per day in real inter­action with their youngsters. By contrast, the study indi­cates that children watch television approximately 54 hours per week.

Gordon MacDonald, in his penetrating book The Ef­fective Father, cited an illustration of how one can un­derestimate the value of time invested in a child. He cited Boswell, the celebrated biographer of Samuel Johnson, who often reminisced about an experience in his child­hood when his dad took him fishing. Boswell recalled many memories and lessons learned from that special time spent with his dad. Because one person had heard of this event so often, he decided to check the journal of Boswell's father to see just how his dad himself recorded the day. Upon discovering the entry, the individual found a simple sentence: "Gone fishing today with my son; a day wasted."

How easy it is to overlook what, to a child, is so impor­tant.

We must come to grips with the significance of regular quality time with our children. Just as a businessman starts a company and sees his future corporation through the "eye of faith," so, too, must we make investments in our children with a view toward the future. Remember: IT IS BETTER TO BUILD CHILDREN THAN TO REPAIR MEN.

7. Exercise loving correction in faith. Since I've already cov­ered the importance of faith and the significance of lov­ing, let us now turn the spotlight on correction in the fol­lowing section.

 

Correction: The Basic Elements

 

            Scores of parents recognize the importance of loving correction but have no idea how it can be implemented in their homes. The following acrostic is provided so you’ll have a foothold for easy remembrance.

            One tip: Work on a few of these principles at a time and don’t expect immediate results. Move in faith and patience, “…for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart” (Gal. 6:9).

 

Clarity

Obedience

Right Attitudes

Restoration

Explanation

Consistency

Thoroughness

 Immediately

Out-of-Sight

Neutral Object

 

            First, loving correction will involve an investment of time. Larry Christenson, in his book The Christian Family, cites a Christian parent as declaring that “spanking is an event.” In other words, a parent does not simply haul off and nail” a child because of reaching the breaking point. Loving correction has nothing to do with this quick and easy, yet cruel and unbiblical approach.

            Second, Loving correction should be started early. It may not be full-blown initially (using a simple finger flick when anger or rebellion is discerned), but wise parents will not procrastinate. The reason parent experience the so-called Terrible Twos is the attitudes which were never dealt with before now surface.

            “Discipline your son in his early years while there is hope. If you don’t you will ruin his life” (Prov. 19:19). “When I was a son with my father, tender, the only one in the sight of my mother, he taught me…” (Prov. 4:3-4).

            Setting an arbitrary age for beginning isn’t my intention. I would suggest you ask the Lord to alert you when the time has come.

            Couples in our Christian church, and numerous other I have taught in, usually begin somewhere between one and two. It may sound early, but over the years we’ve seen the positive results with scores of children. (Remember we are talking of dealing with discerned rebellion, not crying due to gas, sickness, hunger, discomfort, and so forth.)

            If you’re a late starter, don’t be discouraged. You’ve walked in the light that you’ve had. Move in wisdom and trust in His promise: “I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten…” (Joel 2:25). Don’t dare succumb to the lie “It’s too late; it’ll never work now.” That thought is not from God and must be rejected immediately. “…With God all things are possible” (Matt. 19:26).

            Here, then, are the basic elements of loving correction:

 

Clarity

 

            Loving correction always begins by clearly defining reasonable bound-aries before they are enforced. Just as God sets boundaries concerning how we’re to live (boundaries which have definite consequences if violated), so, too, must we do the same. This brings security.

Establishing limits—especially with small children—entails more than verbal instruction stated just once. “…To write the same things to you is not irksome to me, and is safe for you” (Phil. 3:1). It means regular reminders (little ones forget easily), asking for a response when the child’s old enough to give one (“Is that clear?”), and modeling desired behavior.

Doris and I have found it effective to be somewhat dramatic in modeling desired behavior for little ones. Children get bug-eyes when you demonstrate with exaggerated gestures and sounds: “Socket is noooo, noooo, noooo [moving hand toward wall]. And if you disobey… oooww… oooww… oooww” [action out the applied correction].

We also found it helpful when our children were very young to use certain brief phrases repeatedly rather than different ones for the same activity. For example, when it was time for a child to stop wriggling and talking and go to sleep, we’d repeatedly say, “Head down!” This promotes greater clarity than using different phrases such as, “Okay, it’s time to go to sleep” one time and, “Stop talking and fall asleep” the next.

Know that it’s within a child to challenge boundaries. This is his way of testing your authority. It’s also his way of drawing security from your love. Someone has compared it to a night watchman’s testing doors to see if they’re locked. He’s attempting to open the doors, but he wants them to be locked. Likewise, a child, in testing his boundaries, is saying by his actions, “Is it secure? Am I ‘locked in’ to your love?”

Two criteria I’d suggest for setting boundaries would be: a) boundaries to protect others—hitting another child, swiping a sister’s cookie, throwing a ball in the house, and so forth; and b) boundaries to protect self—touching appliances, medicine, and sockets; observing bedtime hours, eating what is served, and so on.

Loving correction is always based on reasonable boundaries that are clearly defined in advance.

 

Obedience and Right Attitudes

 

            These two elements of loving correction need to be examined together. They are the two main areas we, as parents, are to work on with our children. When the rod of correction is applied, it’s because a child has displayed either willful disobedience or wrong attitudes.

            Scripture teaches, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Eph. 6:1). Roy Lessin, author of How to Be the Parents of Happy and Obedient Children, says that our children should obey “willingly, completely and immediately.” These are three excellent criteria to follow. If violated, our responsibility is loving correction.

            Willing. Scripture teaches we are to “do all things without grumbling or question” (Phil. 2:14), and to “serve the Lord with gladness!... (Ps. 100:2).

            How we parents must be on our toes about this one! (“Daddy, how come you look so grumpy tonight? I thought you said…”)

            Completely. Scripture directs, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col. 3:20, italics added).

            This means that all of the room is cleaned—not half—and all the toys are put back—not all of them except three.

            Immediately. The Bible says that when Jesus called the disciples, “Immediately they left their nets and followed him” (Matt. 4:20). This means that when we tell our children something, they are trained to obey us the first time we speak; they come the first time they are called. No threatening, yelling, or debating. Delayed obedience is disobedience. (Clarity is essential here. Was the command clear and audible?) Evidently, this is how the boy Samuel was trained, for he responded at the first call every time (1 Sam. 3:1-21). He could easily have excused himself from getting out of bed so late at night, especially after the first couple of false alarms.

            I remember how my mother used to call me for supper when I was a little boy. I’d be playing basketball in a yard three houses away when I’d hear my mom call, “Larry, it’s time for dinner.”

            “Be there in a minute,” I’d respond, and simply continue to play.

            Five or ten minutes later, I’d be in the middle of a jump shot when again I’d hear a firmer, “Larry! I said it’s time for dinner!”

            “Okay, I’m almost there.”

            “Hurry up, guys,” I’d usually say, “I gotta get going pretty soon.”

            Five minutes later, my mother (or maybe this time my father) would shriek at lung’s capacity, “Larry! You’d better get in this house this minute!”

            “That’s it, guys. I have to split. Now they mean business.”

            Off I’d go, running home at warp-speed.

            If this happened once, it happen-ed a hundred times.

            The problem was delayed obed-ience. Remember: Delayed obedience is disobedience.

            It is also important to discern the difference between willful disobedience and childishness. Scripture does say, “When I was a child… I reasoned like a child…” (1 Cor. 13:11). Children are children, not full-fledged adults. They will accidentally spill milk, act silly, forget to bring in something out of the rain, and so forth. Here’s where our understanding and tolerance comes in.

            Not only are we to concentrate on obedience but on right attitudes as well. “Serve the Lord with gladness!...” declares the Bible (Ps. 100:2). It also observes that “…man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Sulking, whining, fussing, arching one’s back defiantly, pouting, complaining, holding the breath until the child turns blue—these are all evidence of a wrong attitude, and warrant the rod of correction after clear instruction.

            Years ago, I heard a story about a little boy and his dad in a Christian meeting. “Sit down,” said the father to his son, who was standing upright in his seat. As the boy slumped to his seat, obviously displeased, he glared at his dad and retorted, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but on the inside I’m still standing up!”

            Outward obedience is not enough. God looks at the heart, and so must we.

           

Restoration

 

            This element should be self-explanatory. In correcting our child, our objective is never to leave him or her feeling guilty, rejected, or unwanted. Our intention is to deal immediately with the problem behavior and then restore fellowship. This is how God deals with us and we are to follow suit.

 

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

 

“Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn, that He may heal us; He has stricken, and He will bind us up” (Hosea 6:1).

 

“You should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:7, 8).

 

Even though we display grief in our facial expression to reflect the seriousness of the wrong, we are not to continue on after administering the rod and securing repentance. A child needs to be released from guilt by our words and ac­tions. Embrace him and reassure him of your love and forgiveness. Rock him gently (children are very "clingy" after correction). Don't send the child to his room. Let him continue his activities, with an education under his belt. Never say, "Oh, you poor thing. Mommy (or Daddy) didn't mean it." This simply cancels out the les­son.

The episode is over.

Isn't this far better than "worldly" ways of dealing with children's misbehavior? There a child is often the object of verbal abuse or uncontrolled smacks, and then left to feel condemned. The overwhelming sense of injustice a child feels develops into resentment and bitterness. Par­ents and child both lose.

 

Explanation

 

Never leave a child confused as to why the rod is being applied. This only brings frustration and negates the les­son you want learned. A moment of communication is essential (even if you feel the little one is too young to understand). Besides, taking time for an explanation also gives you the chance to calm down if you need it!

In a non-accusing manner ask the child, "What did you do?" (If the child is too young, you tell him.) The purpose is to clarify the offense in the child's mind. Don't ask, "Did you do it?" (if you know he did). This only encour­ages him to try to deny the felt accusation. Simply ask him, "What did you do?"

Besides quickly identifying the wrong, the explanation aids the child in understanding that you're not against him. You're merely correcting a wrong action.

 

Consistency

 

"Mommy, can I have a few more oatmeal cookies?"

 "No, honey, not now. You've had enough today."

"Oh, please... can't I have some?"

"No, Mommy already said no."

“Just a few?"

"I said no."

"Come on, I'll only have one or two."

"No!"

"Mommy." (Manipulative tears now turned on.)

"Well, okay. But only take two.”

 

Inconsistency. That's what the example above demon­strates. Nothing can so frustrate a child and undercut ef­fective child rearing as this bad habit. ". . . he who loves him [his son] is diligent to discipline him" (Proverbs 13:24, italics added).

The word diligent here speaks of a realization that lov­ing correction requires day-by-day effort, and it reflects a persevering commitment to do the job. There are no shortcuts. Starting is easy; sticking is hard!

God Himself is consistent, and that is what gives us se­curity as His children.

We, too, must make a quality commitment to be con­sistent if we want our children to be secure. (Both parents must agree on this commitment as well as on the rules of the house. If ever a disagreement arises, both parents should withdraw to another room and come to one mind!)

The reason a "quality commitment to be consistent" is imperative is so that we have an anchor when we're tempted to "let it go just this once." Times will come when the easier route is to forego correction because we are physically or emotionally tired. (Oh, I just sat down to relax.) Or we are not at home but at the home of a rela­tive, in a restaurant, or in a supermarket. ("What will they think?”) Or the child doesn't seem to feel well. (This defi­nitely requires greater compassion, but consistency still must hold where possible.)

Settle it now, once and for all, that we as parents will not allow laziness, inconvenience, or the “fear of man" to hin­der us in being totally consistent in the loving correction of our children.

 When we're just stepping out of the shower and it would be easier to forget it.

When we're watching "the game," and it's fourth quar­ter with "third and goal to go."

When we're with Grandma and Grandpa, and one says, "Oh, we wouldn't think of hitting poor baby for that."

Be consistent!

Print this on a three-by-five-inch card and post it in various parts of your house. The dividends are worth the investment.

 

Thoroughness

 

In loving correction, our intention is always to curb as­sertive self-will but not crush the spirit. We are trying to shape the child's will. We don't want a broken spirit.

 

“A man's spirit will endure sickness; but a broken spirit who can bear?” 

                                         Proverbs 18:14

“A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones.”  Proverbs 17:22

 

Have you ever seen a little child who has been unjustly reprimanded by someone? Or a child who's been verbally humiliated? "You brat! You'll never amount to anything. You're a monster! I wish I'd never had you!"

"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts ..."(Proverbs 12:18).

To shape the will without breaking the spirit, there must be thoroughness in our correction. The rod is used to "sting" instead of giving the traditional "love pats" which everyone knows to be ineffective. "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his cry­ing" (Proverbs 19:18 kjv).

Our use of the rod must be effective correction. It must bring the child to a point of repentance and not merely "feeling sorry for getting caught." We need to train our­selves to hear the repentant cry, not just a contrived cry or a cry of protest. We need to discern that our child's cry is conveying, "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

"How long should I spank?"

This varies with every child, depending on his or her sensitivity. Some children have a little more "padding," and are strong willed, so they need a longer spanking. Others are docile and easily start the process of repen­tance upon a stern look from Daddy or Mommy. (Don’t use this as an excuse, though, for not completing the job!)

Although it's not possible to establish a "kiloswats" measurement for spanking, two biblical criteria are help­ful. Loving correction should be painful: "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant ..." (Hebrews 12:11). There can be no effective correction if our children giggle, laugh, or play when they are receiv­ing the rod. Loving correction should also yield the peace­ful fruit of righteousness "to those who have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12:11). If we have properly administered loving correction, we will see the eventual evidence of righteous behavior and not merely tears: "Even a child makes himself known by his acts, whether what he does is pure and right" (Proverbs 20:11).

"What if my child repeatedly disobeys during the course of a day and some redness develops on his bot­tom?"

Keep in mind that "posterior protoplasmic stimula­tion" can cause some redness on the skin. This is nothing to get upset about! These marks are only temporary. It's better for a child to have a few temporary marks outside than to retain improper attitudes inside that can leave permanent scars later in life. Remember: If you permit a child to nurture a habit which he will one day be forced (with greater difficulty) to break, you are the cruelest of par­ents.

Loving correction is to be thorough. By so doing, we curb the self-will without crushing the spirit.

 

Immediately

 

Because sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the sons of men is fully set to do evil.

                          Ecclesiastes 8:11

Loving correction needs to be given immediately. As soon as possible. Promptly. Not "when Daddy comes
home" or "when we get home" or "after we're done eating." (A rare exception may indeed arise.)  

The reasons are obvious.

· First, if we delay in correcting the wrong action or atti­tude, our tolerance level drops. Because of neglect, we find ourselves finally reacting out of frustration and anger rather than responding out of obedience and calm self-control.

·  Second, children have short memory spans and easily forget the reason for the correction.

· Third, the temptation will later be there to simply drop the whole thing, especially if the child has "remarkably" improved his behavior.

· Finally, a child shouldn't have to carry around in him the weight of an expected but delayed spanking. He deserves a rapid release so that he can quickly repent and be restored. When out in public, promptly utilize bathroom stalls, phone booths, out-of-the-way corridors, or even return to your automobile, if possible.

To apply loving correction immediately, remember this last tip: Keep a number of rods throughout the house, in your car, and in your purse. Not only is it important for ready usage but it's also amazing how rods of correction can mysteriously disappear!

 

Out-of-Sight

 

This principle should be self-evident based upon all we've said thus far. Loving correction is to shape the will and modify behavior, not to humiliate or embarrass a child. For this reason, it should be done in private.

 

Neutral Object

The final element of loving correction is the instrument one uses in the process. Scripture makes it clear that it is a neutral object—"the rod of correction"—and not a belt buckle, hairbrush, or the nearest thing.

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”

                                      Proverbs 22:15 KJV

The biblical definition of the rod is a small, flexible branch from a tree (a wooden stick). Many people carve out some rods of their own or simply purchase some in­expensive wooden spoons.

Unless it is a rare emergency, we should try never to use our hands as an instrument of loving correction. The hand should be used for expressing affection and tender­ness. Otherwise, our children will flinch and retreat when it is raised. Remember: A child tends to associate pain with whatever inflicts it.

Also, the very process of getting the rod and then put­ting it away conveys the objectivity and the finality of the correction. "Whew, it's over. Now I can start fresh!”

    “Where is the rod administered?"

God, in His wisdom, prepared a strategic place on our children's anatomy which has enough cushiony, fatty tis­sue and sensitive nerve endings to respond to Spirit-led stimulation. This area is the base of the back, above the thighs, located directly on the backside of every child. All children come equipped with one!

 

“On the lips of him who has under-standing wisdom is    found, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks sense.”                                                                Proverbs 10:13

 

“A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the back of fools.”

                                            Proverbs 26:3

 

In loving correction, God intends us to use a neutral object—the rod—as His ordained tool for removing rebellion from our children’s lives. Applied in love along with lots of affection will bring about happy, respectful and obedient children.

Remember the 10 keys. Proceed ahead in faith. God will honor your obedience.

         

 

Clarity

Obedience

Right Attitudes

Restoration

Explanation

Consistency

Thoroughness

 Immediately

Out-of-Sight

Neutral Object